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You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know
You think you know, but you don’t know what you don’t know until you know. Sounds complicated, like a twisted up unwound ball of string stuffed in a bag. But, really it’s quite simple.
You know how people who have never had kids sometimes like to give parents advice on how to raise or discipline their kids? I did. Come on, I’m sure I’m not the only one who blundered that one. I had some great advice, especially after a year or two of psychology classes. Then, I had my own kids and realized it’s not so straightforward. I thought I knew, but then experience and awareness came, and I realized I didn’t know as much as I thought.
We don’t know what we don’t know until we know, and we only realize that once something shakes up our status quo. Even then, if we don’t take the time for awareness and honest reflection, it is easier to make excuses and throw blame on others. Our brains like to maintain the status quo of our belief system and keep things unchanged. Even if it isn’t serving us well.
It can happen with our children, our spouse, at work, at church, or in our community. Sometimes, I act from the belief that I think I know what someone else is thinking, feeling, or experiencing, but reality is I might not. If I am not intentionally working to expand my awareness of another, I can stay stuck, unaware of how my behavior might impact those around me.
We get into what I call “thinking ruts.” These ruts filter thoughts and experiences for you. If we don’t stop and intentionally look, listen, and reflect on our own experience or the experience we hear of from others, thoughts or experiences just filter through without impacting our potential behavior. This holds true across all aspects of our lives, from leadership, to parenting, marriage, and even our thoughts and views about racism.
I talked with an acquaintance, a black man, who has a teen son similar in age to my son.
He taught his son to always ask for a receipt when buying a drink or a candy bar at the local gas station because more often than not, as you walk out the door, someone is going to ask you if you’ve paid for that.
That’s never happened to me, but he said for him as a black man, it has happened many times throughout his youth and young adulthood. He learned to carry the receipt in one hand, the candy bar in the other.
He taught his son to never wear a hoodie with the hood up when outside the house. He has learned from experience, as he was stopped, not once, but twice, when he was a teen walking through his own middle-class neighborhood coming home from a friend’s house. The police pulled up alongside him after being called by a neighbor reporting a suspicious black man.
The list went on…. I didn’t know. I have not experienced those things. In the past few weeks, I have heard many similar stories about black families teaching their kids to be extra cautious to try to protect themselves from the misconceptions, misperceptions, and erroneous beliefs that exist. It’s not everywhere, and it’s not everyone, but it exists.
Reality is there are things we don’t know until we know… and assumptions are not the same as knowing. Assumptions come from our filters and past beliefs, not necessarily reality. That’s why we need to ask those around us, listen, reflect, and learn.
We need to be careful that our patterned thoughts, and the programmed scripts that our brains have been playing for many years don’t stop us from being open to learning something new and becoming more aware of what we don’t know. Don’t let your program stop you from becoming a better you.
In our conversation, my friend also learned that some of his assumptions about my family were not entirely accurate either. He was filtering through his own experience and programmed scripts too.
Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker, once said, “Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” There is a lot of noise and feelings out there, but this is also an opportunity for change.
At home, work, or in the community, if you take a step back, calm your emotions, listen, and reflect on what is going on around you, you might learn something you didn’t know before and once you become more aware you can change and use that to become a better you.
As you move through life this week, if you want to grow yourself, your family, your team, or if you want to impact the world for good, intentionally listen and ask some questions about another’s experience. You might learn some new things.
You might just find that there are things you didn’t know, weren’t aware of, or hadn’t considered for those around you. Once you take that in, you can take steps to help make a better world for both of you.
I’d love to hear what you are learning as you are listening. Please take a moment and share your reflections below.
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If you don’t like what’s in your life then change you.
Let this be our wake-up call. There are too many horrible tragedies in the news feed these days that didn’t have to be that way. Behaviors that came about from years of decision making and going with the status quo.
We each need to realize that what shows up in my life today is directly influenced by my decisions from yesterday. I play a part in creating my reality. Collectively, we each play a part in creating our community.
Our beliefs, our values, our experiences, our history… those things all feed into our thoughts, and those thoughts instigate our behavior that impacts our lives and the lives of others. But we don’t have to be blindly led by those thoughts. We don’t have to live out patterns or historical records.
Who you are today, comes from the decisions you have made or not made along the way.
Last week on Facebook, I posted a comment by Viktor Frankl and many of you responded. For those of you who don’t know him, he was a Jewish psychiatrist who survived being in a concentration camp. None of his family members survived. He wrote and shared about his experiences in the book, “Man’s Search for Meaning.”
In the book he states, “We watched and witnessed some of our comrades behave like swine while others behaved like saints.” Some of the captives stole food from each other. Others sided with the guards trying to get favor. He goes on to say, “Man has both the potentialities within. Which one is actualized depends on decisions but not on conditions.”
It depends on decisions not conditions… think about that for a moment… whether you are a swine or a saint depends on your decisions not your conditions. While they were being held captive and horrifically tortured, some behaved like swine while others behaved like saints.
The same applies today. Whether you are a swine or a saint is your decision to make, and yours alone. It’s not the condition or experience you are in that is at fault – you make your own decisions.
Who you are going to be and how you are going to respond is your choice. Don’t say there is nothing you can do. Don’t sit idle and blame your past life or the behavior of others for your current situation. Choose more.
We are seeing one story after another about decisions people make in the moment – and how lives are being tragically altered as a result. How each of those people behaved came from decisions they made every day leading up to that moment. Their choices and decisions fueled that moment and sadly, another horrible news story.
It’s not the condition we live in that determines who we are – but what comes from within each one of us. We all have the potential to be swine or saints. Are you paying attention to the decisions you make today and reflecting on the reality they are creating?
Are you thinking about how you choose to interact with others? How do you treat the person with a mental or physical handicap, from a lower socio-economic status, with a different skin color or a language not your own?
If you want a different tomorrow, start working on a different decision today. You make the decisions in your life. Your conditions don’t make them for you. You own the right to your thoughts. No one can tell you what to think or what to decide. That is yours and yours alone. Choose to become more aware of how you think and the decisions you make today and make better one’s because that will lead to your tomorrow.
Viktor Frankl also said, “Human potential at its best is to transform a tragedy into a personal triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement.” Viktor endured horrors we cannot begin to imagine. His life story has influenced millions for good because of the choices he made. Let today’s tragedy lead to change within each one of us.
You have the potential at any given moment to make a change. You were created with the ability to choose your thoughts, to choose what you are going to focus on. You are not limited to your past life. That is your choice.
Choose wisely friends! Work on your self-awareness. Pay attention to your thoughts. Choose to make better decisions for yourself and for those around you. If we want to be better collectively, we must first be better individually. Take steps of growth toward becoming more like the person you want to be.
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Help! How do we help our teens and young adults deal with COVID19?
For many students, especially those in high school, the Coronavirus has brought big losses: high school sports teams, prom, band concerts, theater productions, graduation ceremonies, and end of year parties to name a few. It’s a time usually filled with college visits and starting to think about what comes next in life.
When you are in high school life follows a linear plan. 9th grade, 10th grade, fall sports, spring sports, 2nd period, 3rd period, this activity, then that. Years of repetition have led to very clear expectations of what comes next leading into your first years of college.
But with COVID19 these teens and young adults likely feel like they are being robbed of milestones, typical life experiences and anticipated memories.
It’s hard to be a teenager on a good day – we’ve all felt that teen angst. But now insert months of COVID19 and it can be downright depressing. School buildings are closed, productions canceled, sports prematurely ended, and social activities severely crippled.
Put yourself in their shoes. That’s a lot of change. That’s a lot of loss. At the very season of life when peers and social relationships help us learn to define who we are and what we want, they are shut-in and more isolated. In this phase of life when they should be learning to be a little more independent and developing some autonomy they are being restricted, confined, and bossed around like there were a child again.
Within all that there has to be a lot of grief, confusion, frustration, anger, hurt, disappointment, and even rebellion. Whether home-schooled, public schooled, or private schooled – your teen or young adult has probably had their world shaken.
What can we do to help them get through this season? How do we help depression-proof this time frame for them and keep them focused on moving forward?
Neurobiology teaches us that our brains develop well into our mid-20s. The higher parts of brain function are the last to develop. Basic drives and reward-seeking behavior are well established by our teen years, but impulse control, planning and complex reasoning are the last to fully develop.
This means teens and young adults are more likely to display risky behavior, impulsivity, and search for things with immediate rewards. They perceive themselves to even have a little bit of invincibility. They also tend to be influenced more by peers or other adults rather than parents as they strive for some autonomy. That’s part of development. It’s normal behavior – but in a pandemic it’s kind of scary.
But here is the good news, while their brains aren’t fully developed, they are developing. Their frontal lobes are learning to engage and problem solve. Talk with your teen. Have honest conversations with open ended questions. Engage them in critical thinking about the data and research regarding the virus. Think together about how it is impacting the world. Ask for their perspective on how to care for the more vulnerable. Help them understand their part of the bigger community.
Even better yet, find people they like to listen to and get them in on the conversation. Peers and others outside the home take on a louder voice during adolescence. Who has earned that place in your teen’s life that you respect? Is it a coach, youth pastor, grandparent, neighbor – ask them to help speak into your teen’s life during this complicated time.
The second thing we can do is encourage social connection amidst social distancing in planful ways. I get excited when I see schools, teams, or churches finding innovative and creative ways to build connection for youth. Social distancing does not have to mean social isolation. Give your teen and their peer group ownership for planning safe social connection. I’ve seen teens coming up with all sorts of great ideas like small group bike rides, Zoom workouts with friends, and Netflix parties just to name a few.
Young people can be incredibly creative when they want something. Put them in charge of coming up with ways to connect. It’s disappointing that so few schools or colleges are including students in their COVID19 conversations. It’s not that young adults are not able, quite the contrary, they just need some parameters. Their passion and energy can out rival the boring adults any day.
Finally, help your teen or young adult become a champion for their own growth for the good of themselves and others. Help them understand, this is what it is. The Coronavirus sucks and there’s a lot of hurt and loss. It’s important to grieve, but don’t get stuck there. Look for the opportunities that can come with a crisis. What can they do for their own growth? How can they add value to others?
How they respond to this time will set precedent for years to come. The world just changed. There is no going back. Help lead your teen or young adult towards becoming someone who overcomes and grows through the crisis.
During May and June 2020 be sure to subscribe and receive access to a encouraging graduation message from John C. Maxwell to share with 2020 graduates.
Consider gifting a graduate you know with a College & Career Assessment. It will set them ahead of their peers as they start college life. Click here for more info.
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“I’m not going to change”
How do you handle unexpected changes? Does it make you nervous, uncomfortable, or even angry? Many things are changing in the world these days, and with change comes feelings of uncertainty. Change, or even the hint of change, can be a little unsettling. Whether it’s a change in your school/work environment, change in how things get done, or any kind of change for that matter, it can lead to negative feelings.
Sometimes people get so upset by a potential change they dig their heals in and fight rather than risk embracing what the change could entail. They prefer how things used to be, the way it’s always been. What was comfortable for them has become their “only way.”
We’ve all heard the saying – “The only thing that is constant is change.” Without change or something disrupting the status quo things stagnate. Keeping things how they used to be keeps you in the status quo. You aren’t growing. You’re just there. You are letting the dust build up in your life.
Like the dust in our homes – we need to clean up the dust in our lives every once in a while. Change is needed. It brings newness and fresh perspective. It provides opportunities and helps keep us flexible. It builds strength. Change can be a positive thing. Yes, it can be hard, scary, and unsettling. However, you don’t need to avoid it or be a victim to it. You can be a part of the change and find the benefits that lie within dealing with the difficulties.
So what can we do to help us through all the current changes so we can reap the benefits vs. getting stuck in the status quo?
Here are a few ideas I’ve been trying to focus on in my life that might be helpful to you too.
- Accept that change is happening. Grieve what you have lost, let it go, and accept things are changing. It’s hard to find any joy on the ride if you’re gripping on for dear life and denying or fighting against it.
- Realize any change, good or bad, can cause some stress. Take better care of yourself. Be kind to yourself, eat a little better, exercise, and incorporate time into each day to breathe, relax, and reflect.
- Think about the positive possibilities. Make a list of the ways you are growing or the things you see coming as a result of the change. Brainstorm ways to do life/work/family better. There are opportunities in crisis. Despite the hardship, good things can come out of it. Find good anchor points to focus on.
- Be proactive. If you know change is happening you can embrace possibilities and draw from the experience in a positive way. You can choose to involve yourself with the people and causes that are working to make a difference and care for one another. Or you can sit stoically, caught up in what you’ve lost, reacting out of crisis and driven by your emotions.
- Connect with those you love and care about. Share your thoughts, struggles, and experiences with those who are willing to walk this journey with you. We were never meant to walk this life alone. Links arms with one another, grieve the loss, celebrate the victories, and look to the future together.
Change is happening and it will continue to happen. Whether you choose to be proactive and respond to it or fight it and be reactive is your choice. Don’t miss out on the opportunities for you in this difficult time. Are you looking forward or are you stuck in the past? What’s one thing you can do right now in the current changes to set yourself on a path to reap the benefits vs. getting stuck in the status quo? Share your thoughts and ideas.
If you’d like the free printable worksheet to help you Grow Through Change with Coping Tips – be sure to subscribe and receive future blog posts.
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You’ve Got To Be Kidding!
The first truly extreme hardship I had to experience as an adult was the birth of my middle child. He is profoundly handicapped. The reality of so many hopes and dreams being shattered was hard to adjust to. Plus, learning how to care for a child who will be dependent on you for the rest of their life is a lot. It shattered our hearts, but giving up was not an option for us, so each new day was a lesson in grieving, letting go, and learning anew.
Then, came the diagnosis for another family member, a progressive, un-treatable, auto-immune disorder. It seemed like too much to bear, but once again we had to let go and work at taking one step at a time. As the saying goes, we can become better or we can become bitter. We are choosing better.
One would hope for a reprieve as we were dealing with all that but sadly, our family experienced a horrific tragedy last year. My in-laws were abducted from their home. One was brutally killed and the other barely survived and is now in our care. It has been overwhelming and difficult. But we are learning and figuring out how to move forward. It’s been almost a year since then. I’d like to say things have gotten easier, but not really. I have days where I just wish Jesus would call us all home. But, he hasn’t yet, so we just keep taking one step at a time.
We’ve been grieving, coping, and trying to find our footing. “You’ve got to be kidding,” is the response we get from friends when they hear yet again another hardship has befallen us. It’s a lot to bear and still try to do daily life. It would be easy to throw in the towel, give up, or hide under the covers. Trust me I’ve tried, but the kids always find me. I’m learning I can’t protect the one’s I love from hurting. As much as I want to, it’s just not possible. But I’m walking alongside the one’s I love, walking through pain with them, and helping them move forward. Together we are growing.
God placed a passion in my life for helping others and helping them grow. I have a doctorate in clinical psychology and have spent years training with the John Maxwell team on personal growth and leadership. Knowing that I believe in a God I can fully trust, plus having those training experiences he placed in my life, has helped me stay the course. This life is brutal at times, but I know God is not finished.
My passion is still the same. I want to be the best version of me that I can be and keep getting better. I want to help others to do the same. Some days, I’m not so great, but I’m getting better one day at a time. One of my favorite John Maxwell books is The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth. One of those laws is the Law of Pain. John says, “It’s difficult to meet the negative experience in the moment with a positive mind-set. However, if you can do that, you will always be able to learn something from it… Facing difficulties is inevitable. Learning from them is optional.” When we stop learning, we stop growing. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually we get stuck. What we choose to do with the difficulties in our lives shapes and influences our future.
How about you? Are you experiencing some tough breaks? Do you feel discouraged, stuck, or unable to get moving? Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. It’s okay to be overwhelmed and just hide under the covers for a little bit. We are all broken and live in a broken world. You might have to endure a season of hardships at no fault of your own and beyond your control, but you do get to determine what perspective you take.
You get to decide where you place your focus and hold your mindset. Whether you are struggling at home, at work, or any area of your life – you can focus on growth and becoming the best version of yourself. Let go of the past, and get through the present one step at a time. And while you take that next step, look for ways to grow. Choose growth. God’s not done with you yet. Your life is a masterpiece still being created.
One way you can grow is complete a John Maxwell DISC personality assessment with me and learn about your personality and communication strengths and growth areas. I know it has certainly helped me.
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Dare to Dream
Do you dare to dream? Have you let hardships or facts in your life steal them away from you? As years go by we often let dreams go. How sad is that? Imagination is where God breathes life into every new invention known to man. Dreams take us to our better tomorrow. Are you dreaming about your future? I’ve been dreaming about where I want to be 5 years from now. I am painting the picture in my mind. Each day, I add a little more sparkle, a splash more color, a bolder texture to my story. In reality, I can barely draw a stick figure, but in my imagination, I am brilliant. I am becoming aware of more ideas. I am starting to see it, feel it, and some days I can almost touch it. Each day it becomes a little more real. The excitement is building as my thought life shows me the next step. Just one more step each day.
Napoleon Hill, back in the 30’s said, “Your dominating thoughts are like magnets. They attract to us the forces, the people, the circumstances of life which harmonize with the nature of your dominating thoughts.” That is fascinating to me. Our dominating thoughts are like powerful magnets. All of a sudden I’m picturing myself back as a child playing with two magnets one on top of the table and one underneath magically dragging the top one along fooling friends with magical powers…. But I don’t think that was quite what he was getting at.
Did you know your thoughts are actually energy? They are electrical currents in your brain. Your brain has over 100 billion neurons firing electrical impulses through thousands of synaptic connections. Each of these actions, interactions, and reactions trigger thousands of messages. Energy flows. It travels. The pattern of the travel can be seen on different types of brain scans. It’s quite fascinating.
Physics tells us that everything is made up of atoms that vibrate together. This energy that vibrates at one frequency attracts more energy of the same frequency. When Napoleon Hill identified dominating thoughts attract “like” energy, he was defining concepts we are just starting to grasp in science today.
Isn’t that crazy to think about? Our thought energy impacts and influences the physical energy of opportunities, experiences, and outcomes. This doesn’t necessarily mean if I think a happy thought, more happy things come into my world. But the reality is my dominating thoughts, the thoughts I dwell on and feed daily to my subconscious mind, do broadcast a certain energy and attract other sources of similar energy. What that means for me is that I actually have the ability to influence some of the energy (ideas, opportunities, experiences, and outcomes) drawn into my life.
If I choose to think negative thoughts, and fill my mind with all the things that don’t work or I don’t like or I follow habits that are destructive, I am putting out negative energy. This energy will attract like energy. Those old adages are true, “birds of a feather flock together” and “misery loves company.” With my negative mindset, I draw that type of energy into my life. But if I choose to renew my mind, as Philippians says, focus on what is true, right, and pure, I begin to attract more of that energy into my life. Energy attracts like energy.
So I am dreaming and imagining about where I am headed. I’m thinking, feeling, and saturating myself in those bigger thoughts and where I believe my faith is leading me to go. I don’t want to stay in the status quo, the monotony, the daily grind…. I want more out of my life. I want a thriving life that continues to live out my potential. I might not be able to avoid all the bumps and bruises that come along the way, but I certainly don’t have to be stuck in the mire. I can intentionally choose my dominating thoughts and set the course for a different future.
Reflect: Do you dream about your future? If you are not happy with the status quo, think about where you would like to be. What is your mindset like today? What’s bouncing around in your thought environment that might be influencing your current situation? Do you see that you might be stuck in your old patterns of thinking, living out the status quo?
Take Action: You can begin to renew your mind, change your thinking, and grow beyond today. What are you going to choose? Think about a dream, a goal, or a desire. Write it out in detail. Your thinking might be holding you back from progress toward that goal. What would you need to change in your thinking to begin to open up this door of opportunity in your life?
Real Life Examples:
One individual I have been speaking with wanted more out of his career, but he had a mindset that held him back. He wanted to move from being a solo technical expert to becoming a manager. But his mind was fraught with ideas like, “I don’t know how to manage people,” and “I can’t lead others,” and “What if I mess up?” His thinking was holding him back. Rather than be stuck in his fear, he needed to focus on the truth of his God given potential. He worked on changing his mindset to include thoughts like, “I have leadership resources to help me grow and learn more,” and “It’s okay to make mistakes, I can learn from them and move on,” and “I know really good leaders who I can model and learn from.” He focused his thoughts on his dream and the next step, rather than being stuck in his current patterns of disbelief. Not too long after, he was promoted to a management role in his field of specialty.
A teacher was given the opportunity to work with a classroom of 20 students in a failing school in the inner city. She knew she would potentially have the same students for 2-3 years if they came to school and didn’t drop out. She intentionally set out to create an environment that set them up for growth and worked to challenge their “poverty” mindset every day, several times a day. When she heard thinking that would hold them back, she helped them see the limiting belief and taught them to think differently. She encouraged and showed them how to believe in themselves, in their dreams, and in their potential. When her three year tenure was complete, each of those children graduated to the next level.
Your thinking and results won’t change overnight, but with intentionality you can begin to develop and nurture more of your potential for your future. You were meant for more. Don’t let your current thinking hold you back. Choose to grow. Sign up for a mastermind series or a mentoring course and begin to challenge and nurture your growth. You won’t regret it.
Photo credit: Dayne Topkin
