Well not quite pours, but it’s a mess and the carpet and padding are drenched all around the area of our new pump. Yes, you heard me correctly, our new pump. The blinking green light says it’s fully operational. Fully operational and pumping water right out of the pipe seam and onto our carpeted basement.

A few months ago, we spent thousands of dollars putting in a system in our basement to try to stop the water leaks through the cinder block.  It was far more expensive than I imagined it would be, and we had to take out a loan to help cover the costs. But, at least we had the peace of mind to know there would be no more flooding of the basement and we could refinish it at our leisure… or so we thought.

The girls were having a sleepover last night in the basement. It thunder stormed for quite some time. But I wasn’t woken by the thunder. No, I was startled awake by tween girls freaking out. From their reaction you would have thought they had been swept up, carried downstream toward the waterfall, and were perilously close to plunging to their death. Not quite.

But it is a mess. The carpeted floor of the basement, all around the pump area, was soaked. Water was spilling out of a pipe seam as it was attempting to pump it out.

And, thus began my weekend. I was pulling up carpet and padding, mopping up water, and listening to stories of the ferocious water pump and subsequent flooding all before 7 am on a Saturday morning. What’s a sleep over without great stories, right?

What a mess! I’m a mom, a wife, a friend, a psychologist, a life coach… I’M NOT A PLUMBER!

How annoying and frustrating! Thousands and thousands of dollars and here I am mopping up water in my basement and ripping out padding!  I thought once we put in drains and a sump pump system I wouldn’t have to clean up any more flooding in our “used to be” finished basement.

Have you ever had something like that happen? You work really hard or spend a lot of money to “fix” something only to have it not work or worse yet, for it to feel like you are only going backwards. Last year, I had a nice finished basement with some water leakage and damp carpets in the corners when it rained. It was frustrating and a problem but it didn’t feel catastrophic. The de-humidifier was maintaining it.

But we decided to fix it. Because we didn’t want to pay the finishing costs on top of the insane costs of the project itself, we got the drain system installed, but we are going to eventually do all the finishing work ourselves. Meanwhile, our basement belongings are crammed to one side or stuffed in other places of our house. The lower half of the basement walls are all ripped out needing to be dry-walled and refinished and we have to replace the carpet that has been ripped up and out in some areas.

But today – add to all that mess I have hours of pipe water spraying and soaking into the room. It feels like, not only am I right back where we started, it’s worse.

Sometimes personal growth feels that way too. We become aware of something we want to improve and work on. Whether it’s a skill, an attitude, or a behavior – we are putting our efforts into learning, growing, and improving. We are doing the right things and looking forward to enjoying the success of our hard labors.

Only to find that something blips – it disrupts, bursts, or chokes. It seems like we are no better off than we were before we started. Maybe you’ve felt this way in your marriage, in your parenting, or at work. You’ve got skin in the game – you are doing the hard work – but things are still messy and some days feel worse than yesterday.

I feel that way sometimes. The emotions hit with discouragement, frustration, anger or even hurt and betrayal. I’ve done all this work, I’ve paid all this money, I’ve read all these books, it seems, for nothing.

I SOS messaged back and forth with the basement people with photos asking for help. After all that money, one would have hoped it would stay dry. But here I am with a waterfall. Why? Because one hose clamp hadn’t gotten tightened. Man, do I wish they had been more thorough.

As I worked to clean up the mess, I was angry and feeling taken advantage of. This whole project felt like a colossal failure. But now several hours later, the padding has all been pulled out, the water has been mopped up, and the fans and dehumidifier are drying out the carpet. I’ve tightened that clamp, plugged the pump back in, and no more leaking water. Hey, maybe I am a plumber!

A little thing made a big mess. But I was allowing that mess to become an even bigger mess in my mind. The project isn’t an abysmal failure. I didn’t really waste thousands and thousands of dollars. While I wish it had been a one and done. It wasn’t. It’s more of a journey just like the rest of my life.

How quickly I went from okay to colossal failure. I was frustrated, angry and ready to toss being a home owner.

Someone else’s mistake blew up my morning. Right or wrong that’s what it is. I can fight it – I can complain about them – I can be mad – I can be angry that it just seems like I can’t get a break. Trust me, I felt it all this morning.

– but –

I also need to keep moving forward and realize if I am intentionally working on myself, in the midst of all this, I am becoming better. I can’t control all that happens around me, but I can control me. It might not seem like it but I’m not the same person as I was yesterday because I am doing something to grow.

The basement “big” guy called. He owns the place. He was very apologetic. He is sending his crew back on Monday. He wants them to see what they missed, how it impacted the customer, and plan for how to do it better in the future.

Like me – they are a work in progress. They make mistakes too. They are learning and growing. I bet they never forget to double check their clamps in the future.

So, what am I reminded of this morning? Intentional growth doesn’t always have immediate rewards. Growth is a clunky process. There will be successes and failures. Sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves and to those in the thick of it with us. We need to guard our hearts and minds and remember this is an ongoing story. We need to keep growing and keep moving forward.

What are you aware of that you need to work on? What are you doing to nurture your growth in that area? Don’t be discouraged if it feels slow going or if you are hitting some pot holes. It’s not a one and done and it’s not an easy smooth path, but if you are looking forward and continuing to do things to help yourself grow, the results will come. Life is a journey filled with lots of opportunity to become a better you.

Let me know where you feel emotions or thoughts get you stuck so I can share about ways to get unstuck in future blog posts. Message me at sherri@renewgrowbecome.com

I will never fully understand what it is like to grow up as an African American, but I do know the impact of trauma and the hurt and pain it can cause.

Trauma isn’t reserved for those going to war or growing up in violent homes. Trauma can occur when a person experiences a deeply distressing or disturbing event. Our own emotional health, the support we receive, and the resiliency we have developed all factor into our ability to endure a trauma. 

While I am sure many persons of color have been treated with fairness and respect in their interactions with others – I know it only takes one really bad experience, a few ongoing scary incidents, or even just witnessing a significantly bad event firsthand to start to change how the brain works.

Now think about the reality that so many of our friends who have witnessed or experienced racism and prejudice over generations. Many, if not most, have firsthand experience with being treated unjustly, unfairly, with disrespect or disregard, and then continue to experience these ongoing traumas just because of their skin color.

Some of my African American friends’ daily life experiences are very different than mine. What I experience without ever thinking twice, and without fear or worry, for them brings memories and recollections of years of painful past situations, as well as, the fear of bodily harm or other potential painful events they have to guard against. Their experiences, and the experiences of many generations before, have made them vulnerable and fragile in a way that I will never fully comprehend, and likely will never experience, just because I am white.

And now, another great injustice has happened. Hearing George Floyd’s pleas for help, with no regard from the police, with no compassion, with ongoing infliction of pain and suffering, surely must have taken this vulnerable group of people and shattered their hopes and dreams that just maybe their world was becoming a safer place.

When someone has experienced trauma, they can develop a continual heightened state of stress that leads to an increase in the fear response. Over time, this heightened fear response can lead to unhealthy coping, mental health issues, and increased physical concerns. With trauma, higher levels of thinking can become under-activated, emotions can be heightened, and fear gets over stimulated. Trauma changes how our brains function.

Think of the veteran who perceives gun fire when fireworks go off, or the abused child who years later struggles to get close to other people, or the rape victim who lives in perpetual fear that men are scary and to be feared. Stress from trauma hurts now and in the future.

Research also tells us that trauma not only changes how one’s brain works and/or the trajectory of brain development… neuroscience research is showing it can also change the DNA of that person’s children yet to be born. Future generations can be impacted by today’s trauma.

When you add up all the traumas black families have experienced through centuries, and think about the oppression and dehumanization of generations that has become part of their neuro-biology, and add in the recent experiences of George Floyd, Christian Cooper, Amaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and many others, you can begin to understand the depth of fear, pain, and trauma some of our friends might be experiencing. How they might think, feel, and experience the world has been impacted by trauma in the past, but even more painful and scary is the trauma hasn’t stopped. They live in a world that is still obviously hostile at times, and it must create unfathomable pain and fear on many different levels.

Seeing a friend or community member shot, witnessing ongoing dehumanization, repeatedly being wrongly accused, not being able to feel safe in your own shoes in your community – these are all types of traumas. Today, a friend said she can’t remember ever walking through a store without having someone keeping an eye on her or looking at her as if they were waiting to catch her in the act of stealing.

Imagine the thoughts you have to fight in your own head if others are constantly watching you, treating you as if you are a felon, and believing you have less value than others. Years of that programming has to influence your identity and belief in yourself.

We can’t begin to understand the amount of pain that our friends have endured, but we don’t have to sit by and allow it to continue. We can help right this wrong.

Yes, we need to bring awareness to the trauma that can come from discrimination. Yes, we need to change laws to deter discrimination and hold people to higher standards. Yes, we need to take a stand and demand that the color of your skin should not determine the way you are treated. Yes, we have to change the mindset that someone of a different race presents some kind of risk. We need to educate, create awareness, and hold people accountable.

We need to value those who are the similar to us and those who are different. We need to develop communities where “togetherness” overrides differences. We need to create a “we” mentality and move past the limiting beliefs held by our society and that each of us holds individually. We need to help change perspectives.

This is why protests are important. The Freedom Riders brought change to the south because of their willingness to help educate and bring awareness to the problem of discrimination. Without threatening violence, they influenced great change. They made us aware. For many of us, we live in ignorance. If we haven’t experienced it personally, or if it hasn’t been brought to our attention, we often don’t process the reality, or the pain, that it exists.

But awareness is only one part of the solution. Hopefully, awareness brings change for the future. But in addition to that, we need to help this current generation heal and overcome the trauma. Laws and consequences along with education are helpful but don’t necessarily bring healing to those who have already been hurt by trauma. Changing the playing field will certainly help future generations over time, but what about this generation?

We have a group of people who have experienced trauma for generations. It takes tremendous energy and fortitude to function amidst the fears associated with terror and vulnerability. Add to that this season of COVID 19, economic loss, death, etc. and we are going to see that trauma being triggered and expressed in many ways. While there are likely a few who may be just exploiting the current situation, there are many who are being triggered by years of fear and past trauma.

Bessel van der Kolk, psychiatrist and researcher, once said, “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”

We must help those who have experienced the trauma of racism and prejudice. We cannot expect individuals to behave differently just because we want them to or because we have reduced the harmful experiences. Much like PTSD with veterans, rape victims, and child abuse survivors, healing requires help, it requires time, and it requires connection with safe people.

While understanding one’s past trauma doesn’t excuse an act of negative behavior, it does help us see the pain and some of the meaning behind the behavior. With that understanding, we can become part of the solution vs. continuing to perpetuate the problem.

We need to have compassion. Compassion and connection can help us influence healing. We must be doing things that help bring healing and calm to the safety systems of the brain for everyone in our community. Often times, the very things that could be helpful are the things overlooked or tossed aside amidst crisis or hardship.

We need to really listen. We need to let our friends give voice to the trauma they have experienced, that they have seen, that they have experienced, and how they feel. Pain without voice results in internal wounds that fester and non-productive behaviors. When pain can move from behavior to being voiced through words, art, or other mediums it allows for healing to begin and increases connection with others.

We need to provide ways to help our communities calm our brains internal wiring through experiences like the arts, pleasurable physical recreation, soothing activities like yoga, and opportunities that help a body to reset and calm ourselves down.

Sadly, the activities that help a body calm or reset are often first things to go in school or at home when stress is happening, or during times of chaos, like a pandemic. We need to teach everyone, especially our children about self-care, and how to calm our bodies (our physical experience) and how to calm our brains (our mental experience).

Imagine if our schools, churches, and even our community leaders started helping people find ways to calm the internal stress amidst the crisis, and encouraged giving voice to the fear and pain versus stirring up anger and fear. Imagine if we promoted things like meaningful safe dialogue, fun exercise, opportunities for joyful play, moments to breathe, relaxation techniques, and mindfulness strategies to help reset the brain, along with learning how to improve our thinking skills and increase greater perspective taking. Imagine if schools were less about teaching for test scores and included personal growth, character development, and nurturing emotional well-being.

Let this crisis not be in vain. Let’s use this awareness to bring growth. There is more we can be doing to help bring healing to our communities. It starts with awareness and education, but it also involves our helping, listening, and nurturing each other to grow and move forward. Don’t miss this chance to become a better version of you, and in turn, help care for those around you.

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