You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

You think you know, but you don’t know what you don’t know until you know. Sounds complicated, like a twisted up unwound ball of string stuffed in a bag. But, really it’s quite simple.

You know how people who have never had kids sometimes like to give parents advice on how to raise or discipline their kids? I did. Come on, I’m sure I’m not the only one who blundered that one. I had some great advice, especially after a year or two of psychology classes. Then, I had my own kids and realized it’s not so straightforward. I thought I knew, but then experience and awareness came, and I realized I didn’t know as much as I thought.

We don’t know what we don’t know until we know, and we only realize that once something shakes up our status quo. Even then, if we don’t take the time for awareness and honest reflection, it is easier to make excuses and throw blame on others. Our brains like to maintain the status quo of our belief system and keep things unchanged. Even if it isn’t serving us well.

It can happen with our children, our spouse, at work, at church, or in our community. Sometimes, I act from the belief that I think I know what someone else is thinking, feeling, or experiencing, but reality is I might not. If I am not intentionally working to expand my awareness of another, I can stay stuck, unaware of how my behavior might impact those around me.

We get into what I call “thinking ruts.” These ruts filter thoughts and experiences for you. If we don’t stop and intentionally look, listen, and reflect on our own experience or the experience we hear of from others, thoughts or experiences just filter through without impacting our potential behavior. This holds true across all aspects of our lives, from leadership, to parenting, marriage, and even our thoughts and views about racism.

I talked with an acquaintance, a black man, who has a teen son similar in age to my son.

He taught his son to always ask for a receipt when buying a drink or a candy bar at the local gas station because more often than not, as you walk out the door, someone is going to ask you if you’ve paid for that.

That’s never happened to me, but he said for him as a black man, it has happened many times throughout his youth and young adulthood. He learned to carry the receipt in one hand, the candy bar in the other.

He taught his son to never wear a hoodie with the hood up when outside the house. He has learned from experience, as he was stopped, not once, but twice, when he was a teen walking through his own middle-class neighborhood coming home from a friend’s house. The police pulled up alongside him after being called by a neighbor reporting a suspicious black man.

The list went on…. I didn’t know. I have not experienced those things. In the past few weeks, I have heard many similar stories about black families teaching their kids to be extra cautious to try to protect themselves from the misconceptions, misperceptions, and erroneous beliefs that exist. It’s not everywhere, and it’s not everyone, but it exists.

Reality is there are things we don’t know until we know… and assumptions are not the same as knowing. Assumptions come from our filters and past beliefs, not necessarily reality. That’s why we need to ask those around us, listen, reflect, and learn.

We need to be careful that our patterned thoughts, and the programmed scripts that our brains have been playing for many years don’t stop us from being open to learning something new and becoming more aware of what we don’t know. Don’t let your program stop you from becoming a better you.

In our conversation, my friend also learned that some of his assumptions about my family were not entirely accurate either. He was filtering through his own experience and programmed scripts too.

Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker, once said, “Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” There is a lot of noise and feelings out there, but this is also an opportunity for change.

At home, work, or in the community, if you take a step back, calm your emotions, listen, and reflect on what is going on around you, you might learn something you didn’t know before and once you become more aware you can change and use that to become a better you.

As you move through life this week, if you want to grow yourself, your family, your team, or if you want to impact the world for good, intentionally listen and ask some questions about another’s experience. You might learn some new things.

You might just find that there are things you didn’t know, weren’t aware of, or hadn’t considered for those around you. Once you take that in, you can take steps to help make a better world for both of you.

I’d love to hear what you are learning as you are listening. Please take a moment and share your reflections below.